My Life: #26 My Two Enemies

There was one time when I was a teen when I heard a ruckus downstairs, assuming one of my relatives was doing their typical pattern of abuse. Murder was in my heart.

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TWO TYPES OF REJECTION

There was one time when I was a teen when I heard a ruckus downstairs, assuming one of my relatives was doing their typical pattern of abuse. I came down, and I found blood squirting on the walls of our living room. My mother had tried to reach the phone to call for help, and the abuser used that phone to strike her. I concluded that this time, the abuse was serious enough that it demanded a level of protection that was foreign to me. After begging the abuser to stop, I ran out of the house, crawled up onto the hood of the car, and began to jump up and down - hoping for a cat-and-mouse chase, which is what happened. Both of us ended up in a high-speed chase with a personal goal and hope to kill the abuser. While that effort was fruitless, I was able to distract the abuser long enough for my mother to make that call. When I noticed the abuser had turned around to go back home, I drove recklessly to beat him back home by going around the section. To my surprise, he had beat me home, and now, with the sheriff present, he began assaulting the two officers on the scene. With one officer down and him diligently working on the second, I comforted my mother. Thankfully, the officer was able to gain control, and he was arrested.

That act of playing God could have killed my relative that night. This later became an act I had to seek forgiveness. Even though in my mind I was justified to have murder in my heart, it did not make it right. I have replayed that night over and over again in my mind, trying to determine what the most honorable thing I could have done. The only resolution I have come to would have been to take the beating for my mother.

There are only two types of rejection. 

The first is overt, and the second is covert.  Overt rejection is obvious or known rejection by both parties involved.  This can be physical abuse, like the above story, name-calling, statements of hate, or simply acts of revenge –all of which occurred that night.  The next form of rejection is covert, subtle, or unknown to one or both involved.  Instead of “I hate you” comments, it is displayed in little time spent with those that you supposedly love.  It can be no discipline, neglect, or performance-based acceptance – “I love you if…” 

The Biblical definition of rejection is “withholding God and/or love from another.”  If the person does not know God or minimally has no relationship with Him, is not aware that they are withholding God from the other party, thus resulting in simply withholding “love” from the other.  In any case, some people do this overtly, while others are more subtle about their withholding love, and this is to avoid the guilt over the rejection extended. 

One of the more classic forms of covert rejection is when one person greets another; they are nice, sweet, and full of smiles of acceptance, but when they have their first opportunity to gossip about person two – they do.  If a person is confronted about the gossip, they typically will lie or rearrange the story to justify their rejection. 

Another common covert form is spoiling children.  Parents “love” their children so much that they indulge the child, which results in the child forming a playing God that is demanding and expectant of special privileges.  Here is an example:

A few years into my marriage, after being informed as to the dynamics of rejection, I asked my wife what ways her parents had rejected her.  To my surprise, she said that her parents didn’t reject her, and she has no memories of such rejection.  Even though I carry an enormous amount of respect and honor for her parents to this day, they quickly admitted that they did not provide enough discipline for their beloved Janie.  The truth being stated, she was rejected whenever they avoided a confrontation with her, particularly when it came to discipline.  This carried over into our marriage, for each time I was immovable in fronting her with truth, she felt overtly rejected by me.  You see, those who have been covertly rejected growing up frequently feel overtly rejected by those who hold to a strong form of fronting truth with others.   

A person who is rejected usually has inward and outward reactions.  The diagram below is a list of the inward reactions.  It doesn’t matter if the person comes from an overt or covert rejection past – many items in this list can be found.

In my undergraduate studies, we were asked to do a paper on our life story.  Mine was titled “Why the Boy Cried Wolf.” 

Throughout my childhood, I was known by my siblings and most likely others as the boy who cried wolf, a childish term was being a “tattle tale.”  I spent so much of my young life “tattling” on my siblings, thinking it would protect me from their rejection.  Little did I realize at the time – it made it worse.  Since I felt many of the items listed in the above diagram, I truly believed that no one protected me outside of my mother, and this, of course, would be the person I tattled to.  In the meantime, my siblings grew to dislike me more and more as time passed.  Then, when my siblings would demonstrate further acts of rejection, I believed it to be proof to justify my inward reactions to rejection – it was their fault.  “You reject me; I’ll reject you.”

REACTING TO REJECTION

That set off a chain of reactions. Reactions not only on my siblings but soon transferred to others. I found my life filled with resentment, bitterness, rebellion, distrust, and inability to accept love. It was a shame, though, and love was what I was searching for the most.

Thoughts and feelings of rejection believed to be true, sooner or later, are brought to the surface. The above diagram shows the reactions toward others. People living in rejection as a lifestyle, like I was, may even reject those who have not rejected them. It creates a vicious pattern of rejection. Remember that all of these reactions are a form of revenge.

It took some serious discipleship to help me discover how my rejection pattern offended God. All these attitudes and reactions formed in me were now pouring into my view of God the Father. I began believing the worst kind of lie – that God was rejecting me exactly the way others were.

God loves us and proves it by sending Jesus. He does not reject us, yet at times, we think He is joining in on the rejection of others. The above diagram shows us how a person reacting to rejection ultimately rejects God and the church for the rejection of others. People reject God when He doesn’t meet their standards/laws. This is why we call it playing God.

People who reject God as a lifestyle need to double-check their Salvation and/or their beliefs about a loving God. Rejecting God comes from setting standards/laws/laws on God. All indwelt Christians need to ask themselves why they reject the One who gives hope, deliverance, and forgiveness - the very things for which they blame others. When I did this evaluation, I began to view God the same way His Son views Him through me.

NEXT: Reversing the Rejection Cycle.