MY LIFE: #33 Coming to The End

My coming-to-the-end story is uncomfortable to write and a reminder of how frail the human mind truly is.

COMING TO THE END OF MYSELF

My coming-to-the-end story is uncomfortable to write and a reminder of how frail the human mind truly is.  When the story came out that one of my daughters was molested by one of my co-workers shortly after moving to Phoenix, I slipped into a pit of despair that I have no words to adequately describe. 

Due to my employer fearing a lawsuit, I was terminated from my job after reporting the incident. The betrayal devasted me, let alone by what happened to my daughter. I was so desperate that I got up one morning, grabbed my Bible and notepad, and headed to the mountains.  I hiked my way to the top of a cliff with full intentions of jumping if God did not speak to me.  I sat on the cliff’s edge and “demanded” that God show me a bald eagle to prove He was with me.  As silly as this request was, God met me in this deep moment of despair. 

Within moments, I heard a screech of a call that startled me.  As you might guess, the cry of a bald eagle took off right behind me.  I laid back on the rocks and watched this eagle soar in a spiral until it was out of sight – without flapping a single wing.   With that, I began doing a Bible study on every passage I could find on eagles.  That led to a full day of studying the scriptures.  Through this study, the Lord showed me the depravity of my self-life – how my own decisions can produce a living death. 

The reality of having to embrace that my self-life was so wicked that I would leave my family with a memory of their husband & father committing suicide shook my foundation.  The Lord allowed me to find real life in this dark place.  He assured me that if I did not deny myself and pick up my cross, I could not follow Him or have a fruitful ministry.  To make a long story short, I did that on that day and became free. 

As with the eagle, He showed me that the indwelt Christian life was not according to effort but rather riding the winds of life through the Spirit.  It was my job to set my wings (life) so that I would catch the swift current of the Holy Spirit from within – and He would do the rest.  This lesson became the most valuable of all lessons He had shown me to date. 

At the end of this glorious day, I ask the Lord to please give me a spiritual souvenir as a reminder of this lesson.  I asked that He lead me to an eagle’s feather.  With that request, I got up and worked my way down to the lake below, eyes firmly planted on the ground, expecting to find a feather.  After finding my way to the lake, with no feather in sight, I heard a still small voice say, “Go higher.”  With that, I started back up the mountain, eyes fixed on the ground, hoping to find my souvenir.  As I moved to the top, I continually heard, “Go higher.”  As I was climbing the last rock, which was literally at the top of this mountain, my nose was 3 inches away from a crack between the two rocks. Within that crack was a “straw” -like substance sticking out.  Upon pulling on the “straw,” to my surprise, I discovered an eagle’s feather.  I stood atop that mountain that day and shouted, “God is alive, and He has heard my cry.”  That feather remains as a keepsake to this day.

After returning home that day, faced with unemployment, no food, no money for rent and certainly an uncertain future, a man who was trained by my mentor pulled up in our driveway with his suburban packed with food for a thanksgiving meal, plus, money for rent.  This introduction led to a ten-year employment with his ministry that cemented my recent experience. 

Without that experience, I would not be writing this story today.  I learned that unless we are willing to go into that dark hole of “coming to the end” of ourselves, we cannot not be released into a true Christ as Life ministry.

The illustration below helps us understand how Christ’s Life can be manifested in us as believers.  This diagram shows that after the downward spiral takes us into the denial of self (coming to the end of oneself), it picks us up on the brokenness of daily dying to ourselves, and we watch the release of the Spirit from within who does the living.  This process cannot happen until there is repentance (an admittance of walking in selfishness), which takes place in that dark place (your personal tomb).  Repentance grants us the freedom to look inward to the Life of Christ for daily cross-bearing.  This puts our focus and expectations on and from God – not self.  Once this occurs, ministry is certain to be born from within.  Outreach is a result of this brokenness process, not something to practice.   

Once my expectations were turned toward God and not on men, which were quick to disappoint, I was able to experience a mature love that launched me into spiritual freedom that readily formed in me an outreach that produced more of the Life of Christ in the ministry I was called to carry out.

My entry today helps us understand how to determine if the motives are of the Spirit of Life from within or walking after the flesh.  Motives are crucial in our walk.  It’s not what we do but who is doing it – Christ or the flesh.  It is possible to do a good thing without Christ doing so through us.  People look at our actions, whereas God looks at “the who” in the doing. 

My flesh is not capable of living the Christian life, for it is concerned about self-interest; it is against God’s Word, certainly contrary to His authority, and results in a life filled with frustration, anger, fear, and lack of eternal peace.  When I make decisions through the indwelling Life of Christ, I can be assured that these decisions will release the Life of Christ from within, promote His sovereign control, resulting in trusting Him to work all things out according to His divine will and purpose.