MY LIFE: #24 Battling Three Kingdoms

One of the greatest struggles I have had through the years has been in gaining control of the relationships around me to protect myself from being rejected by others.

THE BOY WHO BATTLED THREE KINGDOMS

Most of us have been, or continue, to be in relationships where there is conflict.  That could be a marriage relationship, a business partnership, or simply a friendship. 

One of the greatest struggles I have had through the years has been in gaining control of the relationships around me to protect myself from being rejected by others.  My pattern was to create conflict in my relationships and reject the person first before they could reject me.  Somehow, I believed that the first rejecter wins, or gains, control over the relationship.  Thinking that the one who rejects first is the one who experiences the least amount of rejection.  Boy, was I wrong!  All it did was create in me a “fright and flight” pattern.  

As I grew older and a bit wiser, I realized that fear was at the core of my relationships.  First, a fear of intimacy, I didn’t want anyone getting close to me, therefore, I had a just reason to destroy the relationship.  Secondly, this destructive pattern would keep my fear under control.  Finally, I was duped into the deception that fear equaled control, and that was something I was familiar with and good at.  To maintain control over my fears, I would bust my way into relationships by using intimidation.  Such intimidation that people simply did not want to be around me, and for me, that was great protection.

To make things even more complex, throughout my childhood, I would use silence to make people uncomfortable – most calling it being shy.  This, too, was a behavior I learned to be effective in keeping others on the outside of my bubble.  If people were persistent in breaking into my space, I would immediately flip to the role of “intimidator.”  My way of saying, get out of my bubble or else. 

These fleshly defense patterns set me up to have major issues of acting as God with myself, others, and even God.

Playing god is demonstrated in relationships whenever there is conflict & quarreling.  James tells us this:

What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.   (James 4:1-3 NASB)

After becoming indwelt and more about my wits, I would interpret this passage in this way:

What is the source of your intimidation, fighting, and conflicts in your relationships?  Is it not the source of your protection and fears that wage war with your own flesh?  You lust after control and do not have it, so you destroy the relationship.  You do not have healthy relationships, so you start fights and arguments.  You do not have close friends because you do not ask.  When you do ask and do not receive, it is because you ask with the wrong motive so that you may have even more control. 

Very early on, I developed a reputation for being unpredictable in fighting back when confronted with conflict.  Oftentimes, I resorted to grabbing objects, using them as weapons, and unloading my stored-up wrath on my opponent.  It would have been nothing for me to go to any measure possible to stop my assailant. Honestly, I acted like a spoiled brat.

When I was in the entertainment industry, I had two bodyguards.  One night after a show, a young man in the audience was heckling me.  I told my bodyguards that I would draw this man into the restroom. They were instructed to come in after this heckler followed me in. I would leave, and they would then proceed to beat this guy to the edge of death.  This is exactly how it played out.  I can still recall the lack of care or emotion as to what I did.  It was that night that I began to realize just how detached I was.

I wish it would have ended there, but it did not.  On another night not too long after this event, I had to share the stage with Tinny Tim – a gay performer known for his hit song “Tip Toe Through the Tulips.”  After my part of the show was done, my bodyguards and I went to his hotel room, took all his gay paraphernalia, and publicly displayed it for the world to see.  Again, evidence of a seared conscience.

If anyone dared to get in my personal space, there was he** to pay.  And I wasn’t afraid to make the payment.

The reality was I had to be in control of the third kingdom, the relationship itself.  I used whatever measure of control was available to me to gain control of the relationship.  The irony was when others would refer to me as “cold,” “without a conscience,” or “detached,” – I would display even more of the same.  Worse yet, I became known and respected for being “cold as ice.”  This left me with an “identity marker” that stayed with me for many years. 

When it came to the topic of playing god, sad to say, I wanted to be the best at it.  I found security in this newfound identity.  In the long run, after being delivered, this weakness became one of my greatest strengths – now being passionate about turning enemies into friends.

In the next pictorial, we find kingdom (person) #1 and kingdom (person) #2.  The third kingdom is the relationship itself.  Each person enters the relationship with a playing god bent differently from the other – each in their own little bubble/kingdom. 

The conflict that becomes prevalent between the two oftentimes occurs within a short period of time.  Their flesh wages war with one another because they are envious and cannot convince the other person to submit to their standard/laws – so they fight and quarrel. 

You see, unless they can force the other into living by their standards, they cannot have control of the third kingdom, the relationship.  The ultimate deception here is that the person who thinks they can rule the third kingdom will have a safe and predictable life.  Truth being said, the most damaging relationships on earth are the ones where one member feels like a slave in the relationship.   

There are three perceived solutions to this dilemma.  One is by drawing a dotted line down through the relationship – divorce or general dissolution.  For a guy like me, that meant safety.  Another solution is death, murder, or suicide.  The final option is what this autobiography is primarily about - reconciliation.  

Even though this has been one of the toughest lessons my soul has been forced to contend with – it certainly has been the richest in advancing the Life of Christ within me.  As you begin to recognize your incredible need, depend upon His indwelling Life, and reject your hopeless commitment to yourself, walking after your flesh – you can release God to be the sovereign One in charge of your ship.

Next week, The Torment of Rejection. Many years ago, I read a small book entitled Love, Acceptance & Forgiveness.  This profound book opened my eyes to the three most common things that humans long for. Join me next week.